it's so easy to forget to breathe. to forget that the sun is shining. to walk past the blossoms cascading down the side of a wall and dive deep into a pit of sadness. to inhale the negativity around you and just never exhale. but those moments, they fill up your heart the most. watching the sunset with your favourite person. singing your heart out as the night flies by. laughing at a joke that isn't even funny until your sides ache. yes, it all sounds cheesy but -- if you don't like cheese then ??? that's a whole other issue / moaning might be the most therapeutic action I undertake but -- still always grateful.
please, don't let go. from me. from you. from clarity and hope and trust and love and faith (in whatever, & whoever you choose that grounds you). sometimes I wonder what I'm supposed to do when everything is falling apart around me, when everyone feels broken, and when some people tell me everything and some people tell me nothing. when I can look in someone's eyes and sense how they feel. when I can see through the jokes and memes and singing and laughter to what lies underneath. I wonder what I'm supposed to do with information that beats a hole in my chest, what I'm supposed to do when I read between the lines of silence and spell out a freaking tornado, what I'm supposed to do with all this chaos that keep crashing around my ears. because most of it happens inside: your head, my head, your heart, my heart. I can't bandage up the broken. fix a plaster in your mind. what am I supposed to do then? so I just exist. I'll never leave you. I'll be there when you need me and there when you don't. when you get tired of carrying the weight of your thoughts I'll help. when you decide you want to unload your mind I'll listen. the landscape of life is a mountain range that no-one can avoid, & we are all desperately unfit. & yes, we will lose breath, we will feel sick, we will want to give up. we will cry, and moan, and scream, and cry some more. I know. I have. I will. but I won't let go. so you - please, don't either. ( #artbyhawwa )
it takes so much courage to speak what's on your mind. it's so much easier to avoid. or ignore. whether it's a difficult conversation or a vulnerable one, it takes bravery to express yourself. it's so freaking hard. to say: you weren't okay. you're not okay. you need to work things out. you need help. you aren't happy. you're not fine. it's easier to write it all down in your phone notes and pretend it doesn't exist. it's easier to detach yourself from something than meet it head-on. it's easier to pretend everything is normal than navigate complex emotions and situations. & it also takes time to get to a place where you're confident enough to tackle that. life throws some scary crap at you. compromising on how you feel to smooth things over, running away from your emotions, telling yourself you're fine 100x over to try and trick your mind into believing it, is not healthy or helpful for anyone, least of all yourself. & I'm just so freaking proud (of you. of myself) of everyone who's trying. of everyone who is taking a deep breath and saying okay. here's how I feel. even if you choke on the words. even if it takes a long minute to construct a sentence. even if it makes you feel exposed and uncomfortable. because it takes so much guts. it takes so. much. courage / #hawwajournals
@yeahokayali I told you I'm getting back into embroidery commissions - jumper for @kwnou / #artbyhawwa
I think it's crazy how much women are told that they're being dramatic and overthinking. they are ignored, gaslighted, harassed, and never taken seriously. they are blamed for men's own actions. they are told it's their fault when something happens to them. they were wearing the wrong clothes. they were asking for it. they didn't say no hard enough. they could have been more firm. they should have been more clear. are you sure that's what happened? are you misremembering? maybe it's not as serious as you thought? you can just work it out between you. it'll be fine. you'll be fine. stop thinking about it. you're still talking about that? it happened ages ago? just move on. & the boys are always excused. 'but he is a good guy'. 'boys will be boys'. 'it was probably a misunderstanding'. 'it was your fault'. 'he can't be blamed'. it's not even crazy. it's actually disgusting. and disrespectful. & holding a mindset like that is damaging and has such far-reaching repercussions if that's the culture of thinking you are comfortable in. & if you disagree and think I'm being dramatic. if you think this means I hate all men and think they're all guilty no matter what, then you missed the point entirely. you know where the unfollow button is, please press it / stop silencing the voices of women who are trying to speak their truth, we're all freaking exhausted. #artbyhawwa
in the corner of the world where you stand, unmoored, mind running marathons in the shadows - let the warmth seep in. laugh. let go. bathe in the speckled rays of sun. & in that hollow gap between darkness & light, take my hand. / #artbyhawwa
remind myself to breathe. remind myself to go with the flow. remind myself to soak up the good days. remind myself worrying about the bad won't stop it from existing. remind myself to appreciate what I have. remind myself to find ways to fix what's bugging me. (tell myself to talk it out. tell myself to hug it out. tell myself to cry it out. tell myself to sleep it off). remind myself to sing my heart out. remind myself I deserve the best. remind myself I am strong enough to deal with the things that hurt. remind myself I have people who care. remind myself i can ask for help. tell myself to let it go.
still alive. still breathing. tired from travelling and exhausted by the last 9 months of uni but still moving. worried about practically everyone but it's okay. it's been so long since I posted that my stats don't even show up anymore but I don't care. my stories are so long you are all probably annoyed but i'm not too bothered. everyone who had a problem with my posts about Sudan can un-follow me. all the people who question why I share political content and don't just keep my account less controversial can leave. I'm exhausted by everything but I'm going to keep going anyway (inshaAllah) / @yahyaetc took these photos of me in Rome & I'm shook. also a Parisian photographer asked to take my portrait whilst I was in the Maxxi Museum. I'm a model now. & NO I'M NOT PREGNANT IT'S MY BAG LMAO