for the past eight years i have been nothing but abusive and unkind to my body. i have not taken care of it. not given it love. i have starved it, exhausted it, hurt it. i have been ashamed of it. i am still. and i seek relief in controlling it to an unhealthy extent. it frustrates me how aware i am of my mental and behavioural patterns, yet at the same time so unable to alter or change them. i often feel like i am drowning in my own mind - desperately grasping for something to hold on to. stability. and somehow i always end up finding that stability in the wrong place. i find it in the exhaustingly excessive controlling, only to realise that what i truly am is out of control. completely. entirely. and i have been for so long. • our bodies are nothing but vessels. they house our souls and voices and they enable us to walk this beautiful, wonderful world. they enable us to make ourselves heard. seen. but they mean nothing. why do we [i] care so much about this meaningless shell. this skin we're in. why can't we [i] focus on expressing our inside. our souls. our thoughts and fantasies and dreams. [i share these kinds of things because i've never had the opportunity to share when it was most needed and i want to normalize communicating about mental health and opening up. i want you guys to know that you are not alone and that you can talk about it and that i am here and i want these kinds of topics to be acceptable. it scares the heck out of me to open up and please, do realise that there is a LOT that i do not share, but i want to help. i want to add to a safe space. to a world and society where nobody has to fee ashamed or scared or alone.]
odd. so incredibly odd. the way a single word, sentence, phrase is able to change ones life. turn it upside down and inside out. 'yes' or 'no' for instance are wonderful examples. whispered softly, staring into glimmering eyes or spoken aloud in front of weeping people as you lift up your bridal veil. 'perhaps' is mysterious and might turn your nights into adventurous endeavours, filling them with wonderstuffed dreams or frightening nightmares. i, however, was told something entirely different today. not 'yes' or 'no' or even the great 'perhaps'. i was told 'definitely' and it left me sobbing and shivering and shaking and stammering. things will change very soon. life will, as it does. and i'm anxious for what's to come. i'll have to get used to the every changing of the tides. nature has a rich, fantastic creativity and is endlessly diverse, so is life. it'll be different and new every single day. that's beautiful. mesmerizing even. i'll have to embrace the fact that this newness and the change applies to me too. that i'll have to adapt and be flexible and moldable. so i will. or i will try, at least.
finally starting to feel like me. like home. like a place to breathe and be. a place to exist.
For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble. This is not your destruction. This is your birth. - Zoe Skylar