This made my day. I love this boy so much! #kindergartenschoolphoto #springphoto
Just posting something that's not sad
On Monday When I found out at 9 week scan that my baby didn't have a heartbeat, my whole world crumbled. I was mad at everybody. I was mad at my fertility doctor for giving me so much hope. I was mad at God. I was mad at myself. I was hysterical. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I felt like I was being punished. I kept screaming to God why would give me this blessing and then take it away? Why?! That same day my doctor spoke to me about the options for missed misscarriage and I chose D&C. For me this step was necessary in order to start healing. I didn't want her dead inside of me and I also didn't want to miscarry on my own because I thought that would be traumatic for me. So when my doctor told me I had to wait until Thursday to have the procedure, I was furious. I didn't want to wait, but I had no choice. That night i cried so much until i couldn't anymore. I didn't sleep. The next morning, i woke up in denial. I kept thinking is this really happening? I cried some more but not as much as the day before, because guess what? I had to get up, get ready, make breakfast for Gavin and get him ready for school. The last thing i wanted to do was go out and say hi or goodmorning to people, but I had no choice but to be strong, because Gavin needs me and honestly I need him. Later that afternoon, i laid down in bed and so many thoughts started at once. Like all the plans I had for her. I imagined her being such a daddy's girl, putting bows on kevins hair or having tea party with him. I imagined her with red curly hair and blue eyes and very chunky. I imagined those wet open mouth slobbery kisses, the giggles, the play times between her and Gavin, so many thoughts. Then I did what didn't feel weird at all. I started talking to her. I knew she couldn't hear me, but I talked to her anyway. I told her Mi chiquita, I'm so sorry for being so angry. I wanted you for almost 4 years and in those 9 weeks you brought me so much happiness. Happiness that I've needed and wanted for so long. Please know that I loved you and still love you so much. No matter what happens in the future, you will always be in my heart. Te amo Isabella hope.
Today is one of the hardest days of my life. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I am so angry, so angry with the world. I wanted her so bad. Her heart was beating beautifully and now she's gone. My Isabella Hope Lawton, I will always have you in my heart.
Hope everyone is having a blessed Sunday.
Been feeling super down and quite honestly today I just want to sleep away this fear I feel inside. But I'm pushing myself to go out and enjoy family time on this beautiful day. Thank you all for all the love and prayers on my last post. Keep them coming🙏 love y'all!🤗
I wouldn't be asking if I didn't need it so bad. Please keep me in your prayers as I believe in the power of prayer. I can't share what I'm going through, but know that I will share in due time. Thank you for always being there for me when I need you.