Windy, cold and high. But still one of my favourite places on earth.
Every day I'm spending in Italy I feel my roots coming back to life. The trees, the rocks, this blue sky (temporarily behind many clouds), the bright stars at night. I had forgotten how they make me feel. How I feel more connected to this earth and myself. Although I wasn't born in Marche, I spent a lot of time in my grandfather's house here when I was a kid, and it feels like home. I feel like I belong here like nowhere else. 🌱 I love walking alone, surrounded only by the sound of the wind in the leaves, the birds and the water coming from the mountains flowing down to the valleys. Drinking water from every little stream I find on my path. It'll be hard to leave this and go back to my normal life (or will I?) . And where is home for you? . Pictures are from walks to Santa Maria in Pantano (Montegallo) e le gole de L'infernaccio (provincia di Fermo) . (also for a couple of days @debbaz_ is here and she makes it even better ❤️)
I came back to Italy a week ago and I felt a little bit like I catapulted myself back into old patterns and behaviours. I work so hard on myself and at times like these my old ways come back as soon as a little reminder of my past creeps up. My relationship with my dad, so affected by our history, which is so hard to work on, but I'm trying really hard, with an open dialogue, honesty and vulnerability which I would have never even imagined of being able to muster when relating with him a few years ago. The feelings of being an outsider all the time with everyone and withdrawing into the shell I crafted for my teenage self so skillfully. The incapability of accepting kindness and friendliness coming from a place of mistrust, rooted in the learnt coping strategies against the bullyism and ostracism I experienced for my artistic or different or creative or eccentric way of being and my sexuality, and the trauma coming from my family history and social life. In the last few weeks/months/years I have learnt to love myself more, but relapse is only normal sometimes and right now I need a reminder that I am whole, lovable and acceptable the way I am and that I am able to resolve the conflicts that live within and without myself. One at a time, the knots will be untied. 🤸🏽♂️ . 📸 By @joannafinata8
It's been really hard to find inspiration during lockdown. One part of me thought that finally I would have all this time to write and record and produce ¡yay! But then it happened and waiting for inspiration I just received frustration. You can prepare your desk, your room, your piano, light candles, use oils, fengshui or mystic rituals. Inspiration will not come if you wait for it, or if you prepare for it. So I started doing. Tidying up, cleaning, throwing away unnecessary stuff, practicing piano and singing, going for walks, working out, practicing mindfulness. And magically, as my mind stopped waiting for it, inspiration came and I have around 20 drafts of new songs so far, finished 4 and recorded 2. Although it never feels like it's enough, I'm quite happy about that, if I think about it. Especially if I factor in the fact that I wasted the first few weeks only battling with frustration. I still haven't done many other things I was planning to do during isolation but my brain worked against me and it's a learning process, isn't it. So I should probably stop writing this and go do something else instead. So I will 😉 What have you stopped controlling during isolation? Did the results magically come to you after you did as it happened with me? . 📸 By @gooutoftune
I have been feeling a bit anxious for the last few days. It might be the isolation, or the fact that I have been fixating with projects that are not coming along easily, I might have tried to be too controlling with the outcomes of what I do. Or it might just be that I miss my friends and my family and I would really need a good hug right now. A fair amount of social oxytocin. Or the time spent in front of screens. I don't know. And I have been doing a lot of mindfulness and work on myself. But sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes what you need is to get on a suspended line and put one foot after the other, without being too rigid, focusing on your breathing without being too distracted by what's around you. One foot after the other, relaxed on your legs but always present and focused on your perceptions. Because if you start focusing too much on other details outside of you, you might just fall. Sometimes you need to get on a suspended line, breathe in, breathe out, put one foot after the other, keep focused while you keep relaxed. Because if that's not what a happy life sounds like, what is?
Looking for sunsets in London is very difficult. Might be a case of looking for something in the wrong place. . 📸 @joannafinata8
I've been ashamed of my body for a long time, hiding it in big sweaters, trying to less skinny, not showing too much of it. The amount of times people have asked me are you eating enough? is way more than the times I've been told I was beautiful. I've been made to think that the way my body looks, my weight, the amount of muscles on my bones, are the most important thing about me. I have been overeating for my whole life trying to put on weight, having always one more portion than I needed, making my belly feel like bursting, feeling sick and exhausted because of it. The repercussions on my mental and physical health have been huge. And I'm still the same. I'm still skinny, no matter how hard I try. It's taken me ages to understand that that is OK. That I don't have to respond to anyone's stereotype. Not my grandma's, not my friends', not my boss', not even some hot guy. And that applies to my body and to the more abstract part of myself. This is what I am and it's OK. This is not to say that we can't change or improve. But it should always be with a light heart. Accepting that, right now, here and now, we are fine as we are. And it should be because we want to, because we want to add something we like to what we already have. Not because we are missing something someone else wants us to be or have. During isolation I have found a renewed attention for my body and I am working out like never before. But it's because it makes me feel good, it's good for my mental health, it makes my body more efficient, it reduces stess and chance of injuries. I'm eating healthy not because I need to look like someone else, but because it makes me feel better. Wanting to change is okay, but only if it's to match your values and not someone else's. And in doing my best to be the best version of myself right now.
Someone said I don't smile enough in my pictures on Instagram, so here's a cheeky one. And after all, I think this has been most serene time of my life. I've had an unprecedented concentration of epiphanies and my wellbeing (physical and mental) has generally and constantly improved. So here's to silver linings. These times have been hard in so many ways, but there are positive sides to this coin. I hope I'll be able to keep this up when all of this is over, and I'm trying to build a routine to make the habit more stable. I have set moments of my day to do mindfulness, I have set days for workout and yoga, and around that, I have a habit of letting my heart tell me what I really want to do in every moment. When the mind is speaking too loudly, I let it calm down, I breathe, and I let my intuition tell me what the next step should be. It's a whole new way of approaching life. Guilt and duty free. I only do what I really feel like I should do. And the benefits to my mental health and general emotional state are so big. And you? What's changed in you since the beginning of isolation? What are your new habits and routines that you'll like to keep up?