Sending so much ❤️ and gratitude to this lil bod of mine. We’ve been through a lot and she keeps bringing me back to myself, grounds me and reminds me of the joy to be found in simply breathing in this world. Four years ago I had to learn how to walk again, how to button my clothes and rebuild the strength to even pour a cup of tea. And a few months ago I had to take time to rest and learn again! Now I have these cute new tummy scars and am *finally* able to feel all that muscle training coming back with a vengeance. I’m surprising myself with what I can do, while *trying* to be mindful not to push too hard and crash. Being present in my body, giving it the movement and nourishment it craves, is one of the most healing and joyful things of my life. It’s so easy to be at odds with your body, to abuse it or feel angry at it for others’ abuse. So I’m sending love to all the scars and soft places within me, seen and unseen. Oh, and a big Fuck You to those who tried to break this body and my love for her down 👊🏻💋
One bath and one Valium later, I got about five hours sleep. Sometimes I worry about being too open about the toll this shit takes, because I don’t want people to think I’m incompetent, or a fragile flower. 🌸 But part of being strong is being able to recognize when and how absorbing shit affects you, and finding support when you need it. I strongly believe that more people need to talk about this stuff, learn to recognize their vulnerabilities and figure out how to connect rather than isolate. I’ve been feeling frustrated by how much of this burden falls to women/nb peeps - we tend to support each other in these ways and also support the men in our lives too, doing the extra work of recognizing when they need that, because for so many men, they haven’t learned how to identify or communicate their own emotional needs and vulnerabilities. It’s a lot, and it’s also a dangerous dynamic. I really hope more men can start to do the work of figuring themselves out, instead of turning to alcohol or anger or latching onto an empathetic woman, or a delightful combo of all three. Anyway. I’m going to get some Acupuncture and go gently for a while, because I’m a grown ass woman who knows looking after herself is important.
Grateful to have a sister who can offer couch naps and a hot bath after sleepless nights of trauma flashbacks. I want to hold space for everyone I love, and then sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel inadequate to do so when I remember my own history with too much clarity. Such a tricky balance but having people who can hold space for you in return is key. It’s been a lot this month and I’m very very tired. I’ll have a sleep and then get back to trying to make my corner of the world a little bit better day by day.